She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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