Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
