Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
