Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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