Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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