he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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