so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
