he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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