she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
