if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
