WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
