new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
