Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
