I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
