I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
