i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
