The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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