Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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