I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
