just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
