why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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