Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
