Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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