Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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