Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
