Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
