Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
