Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
