sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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