I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
