True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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