So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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