Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
