dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
