So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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