I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
