This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
