there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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