I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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