oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
