My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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