Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
