im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My vagina is officially offended.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
