i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
