Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
