She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
