apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
