btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
