What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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