Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
